Two adventurers John and Jack were hunting
for gold in the desert. After roaming all day long under the hot sun,
they set up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, John woke up
his friend.
"Jack, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Jack looked up and replied, "I can see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asked John.
Jack thought for a minute and said.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells
me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful
and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will
have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
After a moment of silence, John spoke.
"It tells two things to me. First is that...you are an idiot."
Jack looked at John, surprised. "Why do you say so?" he said.
"Because it has still not occurred to you that someone has stolen our
tent." replied John.
Two friends, Jenny and Jinny were thinking what to play during the
afternoon. For a long time, they could not decide upon any game.
Suddenly, Jenny had an idea. She turned to Jinny and said excitedly.
"Let's play schools".
"OK!" said Jinny. "But I'm going to be absent."
Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army. They were
inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together. After
retirement, they went to different states and settled. However, they
kept correspondence through letters and e-mails.
To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive, Tom always filled two
glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately!
When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained: 'This glass is
Timothy's; this one is mine. So I take a sip from each - one on behalf
of Timothy, the other for myself.'
Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table. He
was asked what had happened. He replied, 'You see, I have given up
drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. So I have put away my
glass and drink only on behalf of my friend.'
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Money, money, money
It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and
suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want
totake away your pain and suffering...
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A more true Friend you will never find:-)
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Espirit de spirit
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his
passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a
bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his
friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed,
but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy
from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.
So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make
a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member
of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on
his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have
an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his
kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
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Golf ball
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one
fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy
replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend
persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied,
"This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need
another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the
ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able
to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among
the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball
has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the
sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you
going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent.
I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks,
"Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."
Lord's Army
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He
grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
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Do your homework - step by step
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand
it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend
from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can
both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If
your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one
of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair
in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you
understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since
fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the
way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it-- I mean it!
As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing
yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the
university, and the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place
with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue;
savor its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing
something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in
less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt.
Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching.
Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who
everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the
future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious,
trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place
with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the
sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
27. Type the paper.
28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had
to write the paper. |
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